Menopause Hurts...

If I'm not recovering from one thing or another, I am going through full forced menopause. The hot flashes are very inconvenient, but manageable. The night sweats interrupt my sleep and sleep deprivation contributes to my crankiness. There are a few things I can't cope with....my rage attacks, which seem to be happening more frequently. They are precipitated by irritability and headaches. Trying to get help with this situation is no easy task. There is so much to know before consulting with the professional who is actually going to monitor and work with me. I have been researching natural hormone replacement therapy and bio-identical hormones. There is one specialist (private practice) who works solely with bio-identical hormones and charges a large annual fee just to be a patient. This does not include the cost of any compounded prescriptions that are bound to be suggested. Surpisingly....NOT....he is a male.

There is a female MD, in the downtown core who specializes in menopause and when I looked up her ratings and patient comments, I was flabbergasted to read that most of her patients experiences have been horrible. So, where does this leave me? I need to be under the care of someone who at least has compassion and empathy for what I have been through. I don't want someone who is a text book learner only. I want someone who is knowledgeable and experienced.....who is not afraid to try new things within the natural realm and dare I say.....someone who fully understands that I have been thrown into this horrible situation unwillingly. This was not a gradual process like so many are privileged to experience. Menopause has hit me fast and furious. Hard - like a ton of bricks. I wouldn't be opposed to joining a support group just to vent all my frustrations. I wonder if there are support groups for family members who are also trying to deal with this from a different perspective.

It seems that I will be doing a lot more research before I make any final decisions. Truth be told.....I better find some relief.....soon. I feel like I am being attacked by the devil. I want my life back. I know I will never have my life back to the way it was before all of these medical issues began. But what is wrong with working towards becoming better, yet different, than before.

I have been to hell and back a number of times and I realize with all the changes that my body has gone through, that the old me is gone. The emotional toll this has taken on me is phenomenal. I have difficulty making heads or tales of this most of the time. I know this is hard on everyone around me, but let's be very clear on one thing.....as hard as it is on them, it is a million times harder on me. A total loss of control....that sucks for a control freak like me. I am stressed out about this and do not have it in me to explain why I am the way I am these days. I just am! It is not my fault.....this is not something I asked for......this sucks worse for me than it does for anyone around me. Don't ask for explanations or try to fix things.....don't suggest antidepressants (believe it or not, I am not depressed).....don't give me general stories of people who went through menopause and survived......I am not them. I am a different breed thanks to all the preceding medical conditions. All I want is relief and a better quality of life than the one I am living with now.

They say time heals all.....well, I am now five months post op (#1), two weeks post op (#2) and a level of patience that is declining with every passing second.

Thank G-D I have a positive attitude and a sense of humour (not that you could tell from this blog) , but it is what sustains me. It is what gets me through these impossible times. Without those traits and the basic understanding of family and friends, where would I be? I would have been committed a long time ago....medicated beyond repair and in a very dark world of my own.

I choose not to be there. I choose to fight. I choose to try to find the best person out there to help me through this. I choose to do research. I choose because I can.

Menopause hurts, but I choose to heal.