The Waiting Game

Why are we kept waiting after every single medical test? Why does it take two weeks to get the results of a CT Scan? Why does it take a week to get results of a blood test or urinalysis? In the United States, this does not occur. You can actually walk away from any given test with results in hand. Is this because the tests in the U.S. are paid for handsomely and are not in Canada? Is the Canadian health care system not taking each individuals health seriously enough? I had my CT Scan two weeks ago to determine the status of the Cervical Cancer and have lost many nights sleep worrying about the results. The results will be known to me in ten hours from now and I have lost, yet, another good night's sleep. I don't want to get cranky....I need my sleep. Aside from the hot flashes (night sweats), the worry has gotten increasingly worse as the time is drawing nearer.

The strange fact is that I have been feeling quite well. Truth be told, I have been feeling amazingly well. I have defied all medical opinions stating that I would feel horrible for at least another two weeks after my treatments ended. The possibility of feeling that horrible was also expected to last for several months because it was so painful and draining during treatment time. When asked recently of how I was feeling, I actually looked to my right then to my left, leaned towards my sister and whispered, "I feel really good". This frightens me a bit - okay, a lot. I have had too much pain for so long and felt unbelievably awful for so long that "feeling good" is a foreign concept to me. I am also afraid to say I feel well, for the simple reason that I fear bad news is just around the corner. I have had so much bad news over the past year, that it's basically all I have known. I want, so desperately, to hear good news (all clear) today, that the song lyrics "you can't always get what you want" keeps playing over and over in my head. What if the other shoe drops? No, wait a minute, it already did. The shoes have been dropping for ten months. What if this is the calm before the storm? No, can't be that either....I've already been through the storm, the hurricane, as my friend pointed out to me. No wonder I can't sleep.

How am I going to get through this every three months for the next three years? I pray for strength, patience and good news. The Serenity prayer comes to mind.....as it often does.