The Day Before Another Big Day

As I sit here contemplating tomorrow's brain surgery, I find I am overwhelmed with fear. My nerves are shot and my stomach is a wreck. Okay, in truth....I am terrified....scared shittless is more to the point. I wonder about having this surgery so soon after the last one. I wonder about being put under and not waking up. I wonder about my loved ones and how they are coping. I am blessed with great family and friends and I have never cried as much as I have today. I have written letters to my children just in case things don't go as well as it should. I have left instructions with friends to take care of my family and be there for them. I am doing all I can do to put my affairs in order - "just in case". I was finally beginning to feel more like my "old self" and feeling quite "energized" and now I feel like the rug is about to pulled out from under me. All this preparation for "just in case" scenario is simply a precaution. After all, this is very serious surgery and I am tired. I hope and pray that things go exceptionally well. I hope to be home by Sunday....recover fully....and begin healing so that I can go for radiation in six to eight weeks. There's another bone of contention....more radiation. WTF???? With no clue what to expect in terms of side effects other than being tired, I am left to my own wild imagination, and for those of you who know me well.....that can't be good for anyone.

A dear friend asked my what I've been doing spiritually today to prepare for tomorrow. My response was simple...I prayed silently and cursed out loud. I find it quite helpful. I have my visualization lined up for me to fall asleep with tonight (hopefully) and bring with me to the hospital in the early hours of the morning.

I am a bit stumped that the hospital requires me to be there at 6:00 a.m. (which means I have to leave at 5:00 a.m.), (which means I have to wake up at 4:00 a.m.) to prepare me for a final scan before surgery and then prep me for the actual surgery. Why not admit me the night before? That way I would be where I need to be at whatever time they would want to start.

I am grateful for all the love and prayers that have come my way. I treasure each one and add my prayers for a complete recovery. I have decided that it is time for me to live my life in optimum health. No more illnesses....no more surgeries.....no more cancer.....no more tumours. Just good health, lots of love, my wonderful husband, our fabulous children and our loving families and friends.

It will be a while before I am able to blog again....so I leave with this thought: G-D doesn't give more than one can handle, therefore, I am a fucking saint.....stronger than anything or anyone on earth.

I remain......The Positive Thinker.....until next time.....