I Think I've Had It

I think I have been pretty strong so far. I have taken every surgery and every treatment like a "trooper". That was until today....Oh my G-D! I arrived at the hospital for my first of 25 treatments for radiation therapy to the brain. After being told that I could NOT listen to my IPOD (the ear pieces would interfere with the radiation) I was reduced to choosing music from their selection (not much of a choice). There was no Johnny Cash or Carole King, so my choices were limited to Blue Rodeo and elevator music. I chose Blue Rodeo. As it turns out, it didn't matter what I chose. The entire experience overrode the music.

After being placed in the "contraption", I was lowered in a horizontal position. My head was supported by a tiny piece of putty that was molded to fit me. I was doing well during the measurements (remember, this is a fitting), but once the actual radiation started, I felt pain in the back of my head and tremendous pressure in my neck. For obvious reasons, I couldn't adjust myself to take the pressure off. First, I couldn't move even if I wanted to as I was bolted down. Second, it's not a good idea to move even a fraction during brain radiation as the accuracy would be off. The pain became quite intense and my arms and legs began to flail.

All 3 radiation technicians came in and get this....they asked me what was wrong. I have this dental impression mold in my mouth, I am bolted into this metal contraption, completely unable to speak. I couldn't answer them. I pointed to my head and grunted. They said it would be over soon....only 2 more beams to go. Could I handle it? I think not. By this time the pain was excruciating and the tears started to flow. They unhooked me from this position and once I was able to move my neck, the pain started to subside. Meanwhile, we were in the middle of the treatment and had to continue, so I had to put the contraption back on, get re-positioned, re-scanned, re-measured and again, by the time they started the actual radiation, the pain and discomfort came back.

When all was said and done, the technicians thought that I might be suffering from anxiety. I don't think that's the case. I think that my head is not used to being in that rigid position and they had me in that position for too long. They will be giving me an anti-anxiety agent tomorrow.

When I was leaving, this very sweet, seemingly naive Asian male technician asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant. Was he for real? I asked him if there was any chance he could read my chart to see that there is no way I could be pregnant. He proceeded to ask me if there is a chance that I may become pregnant during the course of treatment. I told him in no uncertain terms, "it would be as likely as you becoming pregnant"..."no more body parts" (pointing to the required area) "Ohhhhhhhh, I seeeeeee", he says.

As I left the unit and made my way to my husband's loving arms, I started to bawl. This was way too stressful and way too uncomfortable. I do not want to do this anymore. He assures me tomorrow might be better and I am hopeful that he is right. Personally, I think I've had it.