Control Freak Loses Control

I can't seem to keep it together all of the time and I'm okay with that. I only wish my Doctor was okay with it too. During my weekly check up, I had a bit of a meltdown. I was extremely exhausted, the treatment wasn't all that pleasant and so I let loose for a few minutes. Well....this Doctor did not know what to do with me. After all, I am always smiling...I am always cracking a joke or two....I have always been able to manage this horrific stress through humour. So the one day that I have a meltdown, he suggests to me that perhaps I should see one of the 'wonderful' Psychiatrists upstairs. Perhaps a mild anti depressant might be ordered for me. I could not believe what I was hearing. Through all my discomfort, I managed to say the following: "Are you for real? Is it not understandable that with everything I have had to endure over the past eight months, that I would have a minor melt down? Do you not think that I have every reason in the world to be depressed? (Although I am not...not yet) Am I not entitled to shed a few tears? No....absolutely not! I do not need a Psychiatrist to put me on, yet, another medication for something I don't suffer from." He sat there, stunned. He agreed with everything I said and we moved on. I was pissed, but I am very proud of myself for telling him exactly what was on my mind (I used acceptable language, which was a huge surprise to me).

Back into radiation.....I managed to muster up the courage to ask the technicians if last week's "feel good" day was because they were shooting blanks. I have avoided this question because, to be honest, I didn't want them to add on another day if it was in fact blanks. They had a nice little chuckle and explained that it was impossible and while they went into the whole explanation of technical hooplah, I was deliriously happy because I will be finished Friday and there will not be an extra day on Monday. That was my fear....one last day after a weekend....how awful would that have been! So, now....I feel much better (at least in that area).

After arriving home today, I had a little nap (with codeine and gravol) and I was overwhelmed with some headings that I could imagine being run in the local newspaper about my "stuff". Here's how it read: "CONTROL FREAK LOSES CONTROL"; "SHOOTING BLANKS THEORY KAIBOSHED"; "WOMAN GLOWS IN THE DARK". When I awoke, I was glad it was only a dream...I could never deal with that kind of publicity.

So, I have four more treatments. Although, I am thrilled that this part is nearly over, it will be quite sometime before all the side effects start to dissipate. I hope the effects will be less brutal before we go on our "survival" holiday.