I have been about as strong as I can be. I have endured more than I thought I could handle. Now, with "only" ten more radiation treatments to go, I don't think I have the strength to continue to endure this constant pain, headaches, nausea, etc.
I have wanted to pull out of these treatments before and find myself wanting to pull out again. I guess I am fortunate enough to have friends and family to encourage me to stick with it and I appreciate all of it. I am more than half way through these gruelling treatments and once it is over, I will be embarking on the "survival trip of a lifetime". I am trying to get through this with the same strength and positive attitude that I had managed to muster up during my past treatments, but this feels so much worse than all of that combined.
I get that the brain is a pretty sensitive area to be compromised in such a fashion, I just don't think they (the doctors) were able to prepare me enough. The physical effects are horrific, the pain is unmentionable and with what little strength I have left, I find myself crying. I don't mean to...it just happens. It doesn't happen when I find clumps of hair on my pillow in the morning (yup, I'm starting to lose it); it doesn't happen when clumps of hair are washed down the drain in the shower; it doesn't even happen when I leave my treatments in pain....it happens when I least expect it; when I sit down to dinner with my family, or when I'm on the phone with my sister or when I'm alone in my quiet time.
In the meantime, I continue to radiate beauty from within (pun intended). The positive thoughts are harder to come by, but they are still there.
I find myself praying for the strength to continue these treatments and hopefully not feel so horrible while doing so.
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