If You Don't Want To Know.....Don't Ask!

My pet peeve of the day is this.....you see someone you know, you exchange greetings and then they ask how you are. Herein lies the problem .... obviously they are expecting the standard "I'm fine" and if you happen to give any other answer, several things can happen.

1. They start looking around and don't seem all that interested. (Probably because they aren't)

2. They start walking away without listening for an answer. (Bad habit)

3. They start talking about themselves, just as you begin your answer. (However long-winded it may be)

All this because we are programmed, as part of a greeting, to say "Hi, how are you?" Let me be clear....these are two very separate things. Saying hello to someone is one thing, mutually exclusive from the "how are you". It's not like it's one word "hiwarya?"

The fact remains.....if you don't really want to hear my answer (in the event it's not "I'm fine" - which it isn't these days, then don't ask the question. Besides, the word "fine" isn't really what it seems.

F - fucked up
I - insecure
N - needy
E - emotional

So, maybe I should be answering "I'm fine". I just don't like the automatic expectation of the response.

Maybe I'm just being too sensitive.....NOT. Maybe, this whole ordeal with my illnesses has just made me realize the importance of certain things. Really listening to the answer of an asked question, not taking things for granted, gratitude and humility. I am certainly not perfect, but I do strive to be a better person.

The other pet peeve of the day is about the patients respective caregivers. I know how difficult it is to be the caregiver of someone who is ill. It is an extremely difficult task and not one that anyone has asked for. Unfortunately, I also know what it's like to be the ill patient. When we are ill, we don't have a lot of energy to begin with. Our energy must be reserved for fighting to get well. What I see happening to some friends who are patients as well as I am, is that we get too involved in care giving to our caregivers. It's not up to us to make sure everyone else is okay. It is only up to us to make sure we are okay. We need to be selfish, learn to say no and respect our body's wishes to just rest. We need to respect our emotions and be able to let go and not always be "on" all the time. We need to grieve.....whether that means crying, meditating, counselling, writing or whatever gives us relief.

It is a process and for most of us a lengthy one. Just as I begin to understand and get the hang of this, I am beginning to embark on the nervous anticipation of my next surgery in one month's time. I admit, I am trying to hold back a bit so that I can enjoy my next month without incident, but it is difficult.

When I find myself in that dark place and alone, it is difficult to think of anything else. My mind races, a million thoughts running through me at the same time, both good and bad....mostly bad. This is where I find gratitude for that little white sleeping aid. For when I am sleeping....I am not thinking consciously and I am more at peace. (Or am I?)