Are You Kidding Me????

Week number 2 is underway and I wish it wasn't. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse....it did. When this whole "Cancer" thing started, I was shocked, had surgery, started to deal with the fact that I would be having radiation, chemo and other therapies to deal with it, but, that I was still going to be okay.

Now, I'm not so sure.

After meeting with the GYNE-ONC MD's today, I was stunned to learn what may lie ahead. The final pathology is now in and apparently my "type" of cancer is "rare", "not very common", even "special". How exactly did that happen? I now find out that it is a very aggressive cancer and that although the treatments that we are doing are the very best we can do, it doesn't look as hopeful as I once thought. That's not to say that I won't fight like hell to beat this bastard down....it just means that the fight is a lot harder than I originally thought, or than I was originally led to believe. The wonderful MD's are worried and didn't give me the 100% guarantee I was looking for.

I am being told repeatedly how "good" I look. Quite frankly, I've been feeling quite good for the most part also. So, doesn't it stand to reason that since I look good and feel good, I should, in fact, be good? I told the MD I don't feel like I have cancer and now this news makes me feel less positive. She insisted that I maintain my positive outlook (which releases endorphins) and continue the battle and win. She also mentioned that sitting in a corner, knowing what I know, will not help the situation at all. There was actually so much sadness in her eyes when she told me of the not-so-great news. My mother insists that the MD really likes me and it must have pained her terribly to reveal this news to someone like me.

Back in the Radiation waiting room is a woman I have seen almost daily for the past week. She approached me today and said, "You know, I see you here every day and I can't help wondering what you're doing here. You look so healthy." Another woman overheard and agreed. So, with all this good, complimentary stuff going on, why am I not healthy? The radiation has now exacerbated an acid reflux condition, so on top of the nausea, I feel so uncomfortable.

It was all I could do tonight to attend a dear friend's Sukkot dinner. I am so glad I did. Good friends and wonderful support are priceless, especially at a time like this. I appreciate every one's kindness and love. I am truly blessed with wonderful family and friends.

Tomorrow is Chemo #2...I am scared shit-less.