Stay Ups Don't Stay Up

While having radiation in the general pelvic area and lower abdominal area, I am forbidden to wear anything tight in that area. That means no pantyhose, etc…therefore, I am left with little or no alternative when wearing a dress. That’s what happened yesterday….I wore a dress and being a little chilly, I had to wear something on my legs and as long as it wasn’t tight pantyhose, I’d be okay. So I wore “stay ups”….that way my legs were covered and I was okay because I didn’t have anything around my waist or abdomen. Well, as I’m moving about from appointment to appointment, it didn’t take long to realize that as one of the stay ups started to unravel around my knee (thank goodness my dress was long enough to cover). I had to stop in every washroom we passed to readjust and pull up. Except for my last appointment, I was travelling up an escalator when the unraveling started, so, figuring no one was around or watching, I hiked up my dress and started to pull up the stay up, when all of the sudden I noticed at the top, open area surrounding the escalator were people having a coffee break or lunch peering over the edge with huge grins on their faces. I made eye contact with one of them and gestured to shhhhhhh. We were laughing so hard….it was embarrassing yet comical.

It's been confirmed.....Chemotherapy causes "pregnancy brain". For those of you who remember what your thought process was like while pregnant or shortly after delivery, that's what my brain is like now. I can't come up with the simplest word to describe something, I forget everything, it's like having a million 'seniors moments' in a day. It is my understanding that the normal brain function and activity will return after treatments stop, but for now....it sucks!

Along the lines of treatments, I have now completed my fourth chemo....YAY! Next week is my final chemo treatment and in the chemo unit, there is a victory bell that patients ring on their last treatment day. Everyone applauds and congratulates you....(kind of like what I've heard a 12 step program is like) they wish you luck and hope you never have to return to the unit again. I WILL be ringing that bell next Wednesday and I cannot believe I have come as far as I have. I will have my family with me when I ring and we will all celebrate together as we leave the Chemo Unit for the last time ...G-D willing.

I have mixed feelings about the final Chemo. If it's working, do I want to stop? If it's not working, should I continue longer? I know, logically, the five chemo treatments is all that's required for this type of cancer, combined with the 5 weeks of radiation and several internal radiation treatments. BUT.....the mind still plays tricks on me and I ask myself (and the poor MD's ) a million questions. I guess part of what I'm feeling is that as long as I'm there, I'm fighting....everything is being done that can be done and I just have to remember that the fight must continue within me, even when I'm not there physically.

Radiation is another story. I still have at least a week and a half to go of external radiation before starting internal radiation. It's not going to be pleasant that's for sure, but, just when I thought the process was coming to a near end, I got hit with this. So, when is it going to be over for me? When do I get to return to some semblance of normalcy? When do I get to stop the downtown trek? I'll find out more details about this tomorrow with the Oncologist, however, right now....the end is not as near as I had hoped.