Time To Be Selfish

It has been said that I should learn to be more selfish at a time like this. How difficult is this task for someone like me? It is not in my nature to be selfish. I always put others first and sometimes forget about myself in the process. Now, with this "selfish" advice...I'm trying to learn to take better care of myself. I sleep when I want to sleep, rest when I want to rest, eat when I want to eat, read when I want to read.....it's all about not placing any expectations on myself.....or having expectations placed on me by others.

Knowing how important exercise is these days, I wanted to go for a walk today, being such a beautiful fall day. No sooner were the words out of my mouth.....I fell asleep. I'm still getting to know my body and how it reacts at various times of the day. I tire so easily, so I'm learning now to do the "necessary" things when I have the most energy, for if I don't.....well, I will have missed the boat.

I am tired, uncomfortable and just not feeling great these days. I try to keep my sense of humour, although it's tough at times. I seem to be in a constant state of stress and worry. I try to relax to my Johnny Cash collection, which helps for a brief period of time then I move on to a movie or just chill with family and friends.

In the meantime, I have come to a realization which will shock most of you. During my radiation treatments, I am lying there with my IPOD music (Johnny Cash, of course) and my gel blinders....(I can't stand to see the machine rotate around my body....very weird feeling). The shocking thing is, that I accidentally skipped over my Johnny Cash selection on the IPOD and moved right into Carole King's Tapestry. I must say, she gets me through a treatment like no other (sorry Johnny!). She is powerful, insightful, brilliant, soothing, and.....well......a woman. My technicians have told me that I am either so relaxed that I fall asleep and they actually have to wake me after treatments OR I'm swaying to the sound of her voice or bopping away to the sound of the music. Either way, it works for me, so I'll stick with it.

I appreciate everyone's concern and countdown with respect to my treatments. Yes, it is true, I am almost at the half way mark, but allow me to share my reasons for not being overly excited about it. You see, I have three more weeks of Radiation and Chemo to treat this current issue of Cancer. Then I get to rest for about 6 - 8 weeks, after which time I will be undergoing another major surgery. This is where the MD's will try to remove as much of my brain tumour as possible without impeding on any major arteries and blood vessels. After I recover from this joyful experience, I get to go for another five weeks of Radiation to the brain. That's right....every day for another five weeks. So, you see....it's not quite the half way mark for me. I can't help but think of everything else that I will have to endure. I am overwhelmed every minute of every day and although I try to take it one moment at a time, it is not an easy task. So, although, I appreciate the cheering section and the countdown, please understand....it's not like that for me.

So, now the selfish part of me is going to retire for the evening while emotionally preparing for another week of treatments.